A-Rod's Epiphany - YPY

Dang. I threw it all away for half-century old Kabalah twat.
Ain't that 'bout a burnt biscuit.
Alex Rodriguez

Tell Us How you Really Feel, Mr President - FB

Down with Jews, towel heads, CNN, the gays, Michael Moore, women, Al Gore, France, reason, Kanye, California, alternative energy, Katrina, peace, John Stewart, privacy, the popular vote, the manatees, the Euro, Saddam, global warming, a woman's right to choose, Allah, the internets, and Niggras.

The Airbrush Used To Create "Clothing": Proof That The Debaucherous Dark Lord Satan Himself Attended The 2008 ESPY Awards - WC

Once, when asked by Stuttering John, in an ambush interview for The Howard Stern Show if he liked White women, the prophet The Honorable David Allen Greer responded: "I feel that the best way to get to know the devil is by f*cking his woman."


Even though the model on the far right looks a lot like an extra-terrestrial, we (I), at Haterade On Ice, still love White chicks in body paint.

There isn't really much more to report here.

White chicks. Body paint. Yay.

Dear New Yorker, It's Stupid To Be Too Smart - BH/DJD/IHWTH

Personally, I don't have a problem with The New Yorker's controversial cover illustration of Barrack Hussein, our nation's future 44th president, dressed in typical Islamic fashion. Similarly, I don't have a problem with the depiction of Michelle Obama, looking like a gun-toting militant version of Helen Willis from The Jeffersons.

I have a freaking problem with the fact that it seems most Americans are so stupid, that they don't realize that The New Yorker is calling them STUPID!

The danger lies in the sad fact that, at a time when an alarmingly large segment of our population seems to think that Barrack is part of some Islamic fundamentalist sleeper cell, a satirical piece such as this one will only serve to validate the beliefs of all the back-assward hillbillies that take every word on Fox News as the gospel.

The New Yorker is written BY smart people FOR other smart people. Hillbilly tards should refrain from even trying to fathom any of the content whatsoever found inside (that includes on the cover) of this award-winning publication.

And so, you f*cking geniuses, it is with great sadness that I issue this plea to The New Yorker:

Dear New Yorker,

Please dumb it the f*ck down or your liberal asses are going to see a 286 year old Republican (who, incidentally, shot down Martin Luther The King day in much the same way that his ass was shot down over Vietnam) elected.

Love,
Haterade On Ice

It's Official: Tards Like Turtles - CYT

From the first frame of this video, you can tell that this f*cker is off balance.

All I know is if this little Slingblade wielding tard shows up at my door on Halloween, I'm spraying him with a fire extinguisher and calling the authorities.

Big Up to my best friend Ike at Dirty N The Beest for this one.

I Hate M. Night Shama-rama-lama-ding-dong

By all accounts, M. Night's 15 minutes of fame just ticked past the 14 minute, 58 second mark.

Shama-whatever-the-hell has just signed on to direct something called The Last Airbender.

Sounds like the nail in the coffin of what looked, at one time, to be the career of a promising filmmaker.

A New Group Will Play "Where's Steve 'Waldo' Fossett?" - WWPHTMM

This is perhaps the best example of what can happen when White people make entirely too much money and get bored with life.


"Adventurist" Steve Fossett made his billions trading soybean futures, so of course it makes perfect sense that he'd make the leap to adventure aviation. Right?

We all remember when this fruitcake went missing last year after his small aircraft went off the grid somewhere over the Nevada wilderness. Search planes cris-crossed some of the most forbidding terrain in the country for weeks in hopes that Fossett would be found. I'm not sure exactly how long the searching went on because, at some point, I stopped caring enough to follow the coverage on CNN -- but the point is they never found Steve or his borrowed aircraft.

Well, friends and neighbors, it seems a 10-member team of elite athletes and expert mountaineers will soon take a crack at finding Waldo -- they'll all be paying their own way. I don't know about you, but I'd probably be kind of pissed if I found out that even more taxpayer money was being thrown at finding a guy who fully knew the risks involved in enjoying his chosen avocation.

There will be an update if and when the latest search team turns up anything. I'm sure you all are holding your collective breath.

Big Up - Amelia Earhart

FYI - FB

He's lying right now.

Back to you in the studio.

Another World Record For Something That Shouldn't Even Have a World Record: Smashed By Whitey - WWWWP

It's a well-known fact that White people love to break world records for all sorts of utterly ridiculous things.

In keeping with White people's insatiable desire to break asinine records, Jim Purol, of Annaheim, CA is attempting to break the record for sitting in the most seats within a 48 hour period. How? Well, by placing his ass in all 92,542 seats of Pasadena's Rose Bowl -- how else?

I live about 45 minutes from the Rose Bowl and I'm seriously thinking about driving over there and slapping the ever-loving hopped up Jesus out of this fool.

Wal-Mart: Lower Prices For Paco, Sambo, & Soulja Boy. Everyday! -

Memin Pinguin, Sambo -- Tomato, TomAHto. Screw it.It seems that the hicks on the board at Wally World finally realized that the whole black-face thing is considered non-pc.

The retail giant is pulling from its shelves a popular Mexican comic book seen by some as racist.

In a statement released Wednesday, Wal-Mart talked about its decision to remove the comic.

“Wal-Mart received a customer complaint regarding the availability of the Memin book, based on a cartoon character popular in Mexico, and recently made available in Wal-Mart stores as part of a series of Spanish-language titles. Because we take customer concerns seriously, we have decided to no longer distribute this product in our stores and are in the process of removing existing copies from store shelves."

“Wal-Mart carries a wide array of products that reflect the wants and needs of Hispanic customers. And we understand that Memin is a popular figure in Mexico. However, given the sensitivity to the negative image Memin can portray to some, we felt that it was best to no longer carry the item in our stores. We apologize to those customers who may have been offended by the book’s images,”

Are you pulling this Sambo's cd off the shelves too?!?!



Didn't think so.

Big Up - Tar-zsay

Jesse Jackson Has A Haterade IV Drip - WWWBP

As a negro myself, my biggest beef with other Black people as a whole is that most of them (us) still just don't "get it". What I mean to say is that Black people cannot seem to grasp the concept that BLACK PEOPLE THEMSELVES are the main obstacles standing between their (our) race (I prefer the word, culture) and the promised land that Martin Luther The King spoke so eloquently of.

Case in point: the chimp in the picture above.

I don't refer to "Reverend" Jackson as a chimp because he's a Negro, I call him a chimp because he's easily excited, reacts wildly without forethought, and functions on a set of simple principles with almost no room for adaptation.

The civil rights movement is OVER. Period. In many ways, it was over that day the shots rang out at The Lorraine Motel in Memphis -- the day "Reverend" Jackson smeared the blood of Dr. King on himself and played it up for the news crews. That was the day that one of the last men of the movement truly willing to die for his beliefs did just that.

After that, the vultures swooped in. They scavenged what was left of a noble legacy --they raped a cause and bore from it bastard children. Greed. Self-service. Opportunism.

And now the vultures are themselves little more than fearful relics. They privately recognize that their cause no longer really exists -- especially not in the way they insist on preserving and displaying it. They chant the mantra of "racism", and by doing so, keep it alive like a hidden ember that still burns, only now without passion, in the hearts of White people. By keeping it alive, they keep themselves relevant. They remind an entirely new generation of humans that they still exist. They drum up the memberships of their organizations. They fuel the contributions that allow them to enjoy the standard of living to which they have become accustomed -- a standard afforded by the deaths of men greater than themselves.

For Jesse Jackson and his ilk, admitting that the path to acceptance, advancement, and inclusion lies in one's own readiness to take responsibility for oneself would be "career" suicide. Why? Because it puts all the pressure on the person each of us sees in the mirror. At that point, the evil White Boogeyman vanishes instantly and guess what -- Jesse has to get a real job for the first time since he left the chicken coop -- in short, White people DO NOT oppress a group that is SELF-OPPRESSED.

So, "Reverend" Jackson, I'd tell you to raise your glass of Haterade, but the truth is, you're already drowning in it. To express a desire to "cut Barrack Hussein's nuts off", is the ultimate in hate. To show contempt for a man who has risen above so much of what you would claim still holds Black people down is the ultimate contradiction.

And at this stage of the game, any lack of acceptance stems NOT from the "Barrack Obama" people see in Barrack Obama, but rather the "Jesse Jackson" you force people to assume must be innate in people of color simply because we are of color and, therefore, identify with nothing other than our color -- because our color is what's holding us back. Right?

Wrong. You are.

Haterade Salutes The Flips. Don't Worry, I'm Still Going To Offend You.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I make every effort to maintain a good rapport with the fine folks at WPSSCC. The main reason is because they control the world and I don't want any problems. But another is because they have access to and track all sorts of information that the rest of us wouldn't have even known existed.

Recently, I contacted WPSSCC to get some info on who you weirdos are who actually read this stuff I spew. Imagine my surprise when my favorite WPSSCC representative (Heather) told me that I evidently have a very dedicated reader in the freaking Philippines(???).

At that point, the only thing I knew about our neighbors waaaay the hell out in the Pacific was that Arnel Pineda who most recently took up the lead vocal duties in my favorite band ever (Journey) is a Filipino guy that the group found singing cover tunes on YouTube -- touching story, actually.

Oh yeah -- and the fact I bought some fake Nikes on eBay once from a Filipino seller. Anyone who knows me also knows that I am a sneaker connoisseur, so I was outraged when the shoes turned out to be about as authentic as an $8 bill, but that's neither here nor there and I'm rapidly digressing.

So, I decided I should take the time to learn more about this interesting little island nation.

The picture above is of a golden crowned flying fox-- the largest species of bat on earth, found only in the Philippines. This thing has a wingspan of at least 5 feet and loves figs.

You mean to tell me that you people have what amounts to a housecat the size of some Haliburton unmanned aerial vehicle swooping around that place all willy-nilly?!?!?

F*ck that noise, Homie.

The lead singer of Journey, counterfeit items out the wahzoo, and the world's biggest bats: I salute The Philippines!

I hope you people are proud of yourselves.

I Guess Ninja Throwing Stars Are Passe - WWWAP

Does anyone else remember the days when Asians were stereotypically very passive and studious?

This the 2nd time in the last few years that a young Chinaman has snapped and started popping caps in innocents -- and here I was thinking the whole Seung-Hui Cho thing was a fluke. Now you're telling me I have to worry about the Asians going straight up Lee Boyd Malvo on me? Great.


Thai-An Huu Nguyen, 22, of Garland, TX, faces three counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Garland police say Nguyen told detectives the day after his arrest that he was targeting Asians and Hispanics. During an interview with detectives from Richardson and Garland, Nguyen said he had been involved in two altercations months before involving both ethnic groups and wanted to get back at them.

Several people were injured in the shootings, which happened from June 29 to July 1 in Garland, Mesquite, Richardson and Plano. The majority of the shootings involved cars stopped at red lights or traveling on highways. Police said one of the shootings occurred outside a restaurant, police said.

Although not all of those shot were Hispanic or Asian, detectives think he perceived the shooting victims were, Garland police said.

See?! They DO all look alike -- even to other Asian people!

Big Bertha Is Spinning N*gga, She's Spinning! - WPSSCC

And so it starts, Kids. Another hurricane season is upon us, and this year Bertha is setting things off for us. She's recently been upgraded to category 3 status with sustained wind speeds above 115 mph. Watch out Bermuda.

It seems like every year, storms get a little burlier and the hurricane seasons are a little logner. Could someone please call WPSSCC?

I know somewhere, the inventor of the internets, Al Gore, is sitting back listening to gangsta rap music (fuck off, Tipper), watching Big Bertha starting to swirl, and thinking, "I tried to tell these monkeys what the deal is".

Big Up - Chris Rock

Old McDonald Had A Fruitcake... - WWWWP/TRG/DJD

In an earlier post, I addressed Euro-domination of cycling.

In an even earlier post than that, I addressed "furry fandom"

I am now positively horrified to report that these two worlds have evidently collided -- the proof of which is a beautifully composed photo of a couple of fruit loops cheering their favorite Tour De France riders on to hot, sweaty, two-wheeled, Spandex ensconced (TRG) Euro-victory.

E-I-E-I-O

Hey Alex, Is "A-Rod" Mexican for A-Hole? - YPY

I know, I know. He's "Dominican-American".


I thought I'd offer my readers a view of exactly where Cynthia Rodriguez' divorce lawyer's dong will be inserted when it's all said and done.

Anyhoo. Alex, mi amigo, you have played yourself on a scale that can only be described as EPIC.

I can't even remember how many gozillions of dollars The Yankees agreed to pay you back in the day, but I DO know it was an absolute shitload.

And now, you are going to give an awful lot of it to your soon to be ex-wife. Why, you ask? Because among other offenses, it seems you haven't been able to keep your bat out of MA-FREAKING-DONNA'S nappy dugout?!?!?!

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY?

May I remind you that this is the same 50 year-old vagina that Dennis Rodman and Robbie Van Winkle (among COUNTLESS others) have been beating up since the 80's? Oh yeah, and Jeff Spicoli -- can't forget Spicoli.

As you may have noticed by the recent divorce misfortunes of one Mr. Russell Simmons, family court judges these days don't play -- and Big Russ didn't do anything nearly as egregious (that we know of) as boink one of the biggest whores in pop culture history.

Next time, take a page out of the book of one of the most notoriously (allegedly) unfaithful husbands ever, who just so happens to be the greatest basketball player to ever live -- Michael Jeffrey Jordan. He went back to Jaunita after a month of bachelorhood. Guess he figured that it just wasn't worth 150 million of his Nike dollars.

Remember Alex, you earned those millions. Don't throw any of them away because you're all Kabbalah-whipped by the high mileage va-jay-jay of the next Cher, for fuck sake.

You Will Now Feel The POWER Of The Dark Side -- I Mean, The Juggs. Sorry Lord Vader - BP/DJD

A clip from America's Got Talent -- a shining example of why so much of the world hates us.



I won't even make this a racial issue because I suppose a washed up, middle-aged stripper of any race, sporting lob-sided silly-cone juggs with (obviously) absolutely NO sensation left in them whatsoever, could end up on national television in front of The Hoff, Sharon, & the obligatory British talent judge, crushing entire 6 packs of cans and breaking boards with her bazooms like a proper 9th degree Karate master.

I think the most sobering fact we must all bear in mind is that there was a first time that Busty Heart attempted this little stunt.

What in the name of all that is good and holy would make a b*tch try this to begin with?!?!?!

Jesse Helms: OUTTA HERE! - WWWWP

The list of what made this cocksucker a fuckface during his 4 terms (1973 -1997) as North Carolina's U.S. Senator is long and legendary. To itemize his offenses here would cause me to expend waaaay more energy on this fucker than I'm prepared to do EVER. I've already given him enough of my consideration.

Suffice it to say: I'm glad you're dead, Senator Helms.

Now turn that thumb over, fella! Show the nice people where you're headed!

White People Have Made Up Yet ANOTHER "Sport" - WWWWP

Well Kids, it's official. White people are THE most bored people to ever walk the Earth -- so much so that they've invented another "sport" to blow off a bit of steam after a stressful work week at WPSSCC. It's called Wife Carrying.

For fucking fuck sake. Really?

The picture above was taken at this year's Wife Carrying World Championship which took place in Finland today. You geniuses read it right. There is actually a World Championship for this sort of fuckery.

If anyone has pictures from this year's Baby Mama Carrying Championship that took place in Harlem a few weeks ago, feel free to share them... I'm just saying.

Blogger's Note: The winner of the WCWC wins the wife's weight in beer -- PRICELESS!

Men+Oil+Wrestling=Gay To The 48th Power - TRG/WWWWP (turkish edition)

I guess the Muslim world has found a cover for its gayness and they're calling it an "annual oil wrestling festival".

Wow.

Every year since 16-freaking-40, about 1,000 Turks have gathered on a grassy field beneath the hot Turkish sun to get their grapple on (TRG). The pickle puffers participants, who put on the traditional OIL SOAKED LEATHER TRUNKS (TRG), engage in a form of male mounting "no holes holds barred" wrestling called Yağlı Gűreş that dates back to the Ottoman Empire -- we (I), here at HOI, just call it really, really, REALLY gay.

And now for the pink icing on this fluffy little cupcake:

Victories are achieved when one puts one's hand into the trunks of one's opponent and "controls" him.

As always, the standard "I couldn't make this shit up" disclaimer applies.

Big Up - "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Richard Simmons.

VIACOM! Soon, Satan Will Know Your IP Address - WPSSCC

Viacom is the Satanic media arm of WPSSCC. Whether you know it or not, these fuckers control an alarming amount of what we see on TV. And soon, they'll know a lot more about us all.

In a crushing blow to internet privacy, a court has ruled that Viacom (the parent company of CBS, MTV, Showtime, Paramount Pictures, and countless other media outlets) has the right to view ALL of internet video juggernaut Youtube's user account info.

That's right. Soon Viacom's lawyers and computer geeks will know your name, IP address, and how many times you've watched videos of its copyrighted material -- not to mention the fact that you've added to your Favorites that video of the tranny wearing a silver thong, doing the Running Man to Rupaul's Supermodel.

Google, who acquired Youtube in 2006 for just north of 1.6 BILLION dollars, fought the good fight. The internet search giant maintained all along that videos posted in violation of copyright laws were disabled as soon as they were reported. But in typical WPSSCC fashion, Viacom wasn't trying to hear it.

Viacom alleges that they don't intend to use any of your account info to find you and sue you, but they are out to prove that copyrighted material has overtaken original user-created video in popularity. If the company doesn't intend to seek legal action, I can't fathom why they need to know so much about us all -- but we all know that Whitey always has an angle. They'll probably start to SPAM us all with Everybody Loves Raymond: Season 43 DVD offers.

Don't believe Viacom is Satan yet?

It owns BET.

Nuff said.

I Can't Read & I Gots To Pee - WWWBP:

Dear Moms and Dads,

Meet R&B singer and (acquitted) pedophile, Robert "Arruh" Kelly.

He's functionally illiterate and will marry your 14 year old daughter or, at the very least, pee all over her if given the chance.

That's all.

Love,
Jason

2 Aggressive Animals Blacks Have Typically Overlooked When Choosing A Pet. - WWWBP

Those familiar with Black culture know that no weekend outdoor festival enjoyed predominantly by Black folk would be complete without lots of albino boa constrictors and pit bulls. I have never quite been able to figure out the connection Negroes seem to have with these animals, but as soon as I do, rest assured that an essay will follow.

In this ever-changing world, however, I think we must all be open to change. Moreover, we owe it to ourselves to constantly re-evaluate what is conventional and, when prudent, rewrite the books in the name of progression and advancement.

It is in this spirit that I propose the following:


Black people should strongly consider replacing albino reptiles and pit bulls with broncos and actual bulls as The Official Pets of Black People.

I mean, think about it. Can you think of any other 2 species that have more in common with black people?

No gorilla jokes, please.

Both are strong, powerful, and potentially quite ill-tempered. Both were also indispensable as beasts of burden during the construction of this great nation. And, like Negroes, no other creatures on Earth have tried harder to throw White people off their backs.

It's perfect.

And yes, the Genius Switch is welded in the "ON" position.

Thoughts Of Food Or Food For Thought? - BH

As an expert on reading Black people's facial expressions, I have prepared an analysis of what our nation's future 44th president (accept it, White people) was thinking in the above photo.

Mmmm mmm mmm! I can taste them chitlins already!

Pigs feet! Y'all got any? I loooooove pigs feet!

Brang me some collards! What?! No collards?! Well brang the mustards then!

Hillary got a nice ass -- I'ma smack it! Bill still my n*gga tho!

Do I smell cornbread? I know cornbread when I smell it!

I looooove pigs feet!

Let Loose The Black Kraken! - WWWBP, BP

Haterade Disclaimer: For the record: I'd like it known that I fully respect and support a woman's right to shake her ass, capture said shaking on video, and disseminate it to the masses who are of legal age to view such.

However...



Videos such as this one should be made on the weekends when the baby daddy is watching little Shyquan. Shyquan should never be exposed to this sort of thing -- and he sure as Bruce Lee was a Chinaman shouldn't be the VIDEOGRAPHER!!!!!!

This is just vile.

Shyquan is cheering mama on and telling her to "shake it".

There's a bra dangling from the bed post.

As a strong proponent of pointing fingers and placing blame, I'm currently scouring my mind for someone to blame this on.

Q: Do I blame White people for what the institution of slavery has done to rob an entire culture of its dignity and self respect?
A: No. People must take responsibility for themselves and their actions at some point and rise above their tragic history.

Q: Do I blame Luther Campbell for introducing black women to the art of ass shakery somewhere back in the mid 80's?
A: Possibly. I'll come back to this one.

Q: Do I blame BET for providing a forum for the coons who have given us such pearls as Crank Dat Batman?
A: In part. BET is responsible to some extent for everything that has gone wrong in the world since its inception. But the network cannot be held solely responsible.

But perhaps the time for contemplative musing is at an end.

Perhaps we should steal some moves from the baddest group of White folks ever -- The Gods in Clash of the Titans. When they got fed up with fuckery, they let loose The Kraken on fools.

Unfortunately, the closest thing Black people have to The Kraken is Reverend Run.

Dang!

White People Still Have Learned Nothing From Dorothy's Ass - WWWWP/WPSSCC

It's a well-known fact that black people do not take photos of tornadoes, as they feel they are controlled by White people and therefore quite scary and dangerous.

So, upon seeing this photo, I knew immediately it had been taken by a White person.

The Globe Gazette and Mitchell County Press News reported that Lori Mehmen of Orchard, Iowa took this photo from outside her front door.

I wanted to know why the b*tch didn't just RUN. So...

Today, I placed a call to White People's Secret Society Central Command (WPSSCC). After enjoying several minutes of Led Zeppelin hold music, I was connected to a representative who introduced herself as Heather. Following a brief exchange of pleasantries, I let her know that the purpose of my call was to learn the status of White people's research on weather control.

Heather informed me happily that the only effective method of climate control thus far remains deliberate excessive carbon emissions resulting in global warming.

I knew Heather was lying. White people have secretly controlled much of Earth's weather for years. Nevertheless, she seemed like a good enough sport, so I probed further:

Haterade On Ice (HOI): This may seem a bit of an odd and off-topic question, Heather, but what is it with White people's fascination with storm chasing? Specifically tornadoes.

WPSSCC: (laughter) That's one of the most frequently asked questions by non-whites, Sir!

HOI: My friends call me Jedidiah.

WPSSCC: Well, Jedidiah, as you may have noticed, we White people are quite a curious group! We are fascinated with all facets of everything!

HOI: You don't say. Really?

WPSSCC: Yes indeed! We want to know how it works -- whatever "it" is.

HOI: Even dangerous and potentially lethal acts of nature?

WPSSCC: Especially dangerous and potentially lethal acts of nature! This also includes the most lethal killers in the animal kingdom as well.

HOI: You mean other White people?

WPSSCC: (genuine belly laughter) You are a card, Jedidiah! I was speaking more along the lines of cobras, stingrays, and lions.

HOI: Ahhh. Got it. I'm more interested in weather-type stuff today though.

WPSSCC: Of course, I got a little carried away. Tornado chasers, was it?

HOI: Yeah. I've never quite understood what it is about one of the most dangerous natural acts on the planet that makes White people pull out their digital photo devices -- as opposed to... I don't know... like hide in a closet or something.

WPSSCC: May I read from the manual?

HOI: Feel free.

WPSSCC: To be a member of White society held in good standing, it is incumbent upon one to document lethal acts of nature as they are encountered. This includes, but is not limited to, flood, hurricane, tornado, earthquake, tsunami, volcanic eruption, or catastrophic brush fire. It is irrelevant that all of these phenomena have been captured on film and video countless times before. One should assume that recording new images will ensure that no minute detail will ever go undocumented.

HOI: That's in the manual?

WPSSCC: Every word of it.

HOI: Wow.

WPSSCC: Shall I read the section regarding dangerous animals now?

HOI: Nope! I think you've answered my questions today, Heather. Thanks for your time!

WPSSCC: You are very welcome, Jason! Any time!

HOI: (hesitant) My name is Jedidiah.

WPSSCC: We know what your name is. (whispering) We know everything.

This = Not A Good Day - DJD/WWWWP

Cycling is a sport that will always be dominated by Euros (European White people) or adventurous wannabe Euros (White non-Euros who wish they were). The image above is precisely why.

If you'll examine the photo closely, you'll find that there appear to be no Negro limbs flying about in the melee. There are a few reasons for this.

1. FIRST AND FOREMORST: As hip-hop culture often recognizes if not glorifies reckless styles of driving ("ghostriding the whip", "doors open Mayne", etc), Black people fully respect the level of danger involved when sharing the open road with an entire world full of fruitcake drivers.

2. Cycling attire is generally composed of tight-fitting colorful outfits made of Spandex and/or Lycra. While Black people generally do prefer their outfits to be outlandishly colorful, they are almost NEVER tight-fitting, as clothing that hugs the body is considered to be quite gay (TRG).

3.Cycling is a very expensive sport -- with the best bicycles costing well upwards of $5,000. The simple truth is that spending that much money on something as frivolous as a bicycle interferes with the Black person's need to install expensive chrome custom wheels on their vehicle.

Big Up - Lance Armstrong, E-40

Another Reason I Won't EVER Move To India - DJD

Meet Ram Singh Munda and his pet sloth bear Rami.

It seems that Mr. Munda has found himself in a bit hot water as of late because, even in India, it's not all that legal to own a bear -- let alone take the little fucker out for spins on one's bike.

Rami, whom the Mundas considered a part of the family, was sent to a zoo where he has since put his little heartbroken bear self on a hunger strike.

To make matters worse, Munda's imprisonment has led to his abandoned 6 year old daughter being remanded to boarding school. Dang.

This story ranks just above "Blinged-out cows" at #487 on The List Of Reasons I'll Never Move To India.

My Eyes Just Burst Into Flames & Exploded In Their Sockets - TRG

A dancer performs for the spectators during San Francisco's 38th annual gay pride parade on Sunday, June 29, 2008. (AP Photo/ Tony Avelar)

Umm. Yeah. OK.

How about?

Pickle Puffer struts his Skittles. What in the ham sandwich hell is going on around here? (Haterade On Ice/ Me)

Bend It Like...

And in other news. David Beckham adjusted his junk.

Back to you in the studio.

POW! Batman Roller Coaster Decapitates SC Teen - DJD

Holy life imitates a Final Destination movie, Batman!

An unidentified teen was decapitated by the popular "Batman The Ride" roller coaster at Six Flags Over Georgia on Saturday.

Witnesses report that the boy was struck by a coaster train moving at more than 50 mph. This was only after scaling not one, but TWO fences and (obviously) ignoring a number of posted signs denying visitors access to a restricted area of the park. This area was no doubt off-limits due to the fact that being there could potentially result in... I don't know... say... the loss of one's head?

Oh. Did I mention the young master was trying to rescue a hat he'd lost while riding the coaster earlier?

"Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony."

Big Up - Morpheus, Ichabod Crane

Coons & Gremlins Run This Hip Hop Sh*t - IHHH

You are about to witness something that doesn't happen often here at Haterade On Ice.

Here goes.

I like N.E.R.D.

Now, you didn't honestly think that was the end of it, did you?

How does my actual approval of something fit into the overall tone of my blog -- bastion of cynicism and cutting sarcasm that it is?

Nielsen Soundscan reports that, Seeing Sounds, N.E.R.D's latest offering, has sold barely more than 100,000 units since it's release on June 10, 2008. In stark comparison, everyone's favorite post-midnight dining mogwai (Weezy F. Gremlin) has sold a whopping (by today's standards) 1,000,000+ units of Tha Carter III since its release on the same day.

Now I'll grant you that N.E.R.D may be little more than a vanity project for Skateboard P, The Asian Guy, and that other Black Guy, but damn, Son! The music is progressive, original, and at least a foot outside the box.

So that's it. Gremlins and coonlicious ringtone rappers run this rap shit. Souja Boy Tellem will no doubt receive his shiny platinum plaque a week or so after his next cd of ringtones is released -- The Neptunes will get a Styrofoam plate in a frame when it's all said and done.

I hate hip hop.

Ummm - DJD

WARNING: This ain't one to watch at work, kids -- unless you are employed by a smut peddler.



I couldn't really type anything for this post because... ummm... there was some stuff I had to like... do... ummm... and stuff.

Yeah.

I had to do stuff -- that's the ticket!

Sweet Jesus!

ALERT! Total # Of Supermodels Has Decreased By 1 - BP/WWWWP (Kazakh Edition)

Fashionistas, pour out a little liquor for a fallen (literally) comrade. 20 year old Ruslana Korshunova, who has been featured in ads for DKNY, Vera Wang and Christian Dior among others, has decided not to take the stairs.

Sometimes being told you're stunning 50 times a day isn't enough. Wearing the most beautiful designs of the world's top fashion houses isn't enough. Hobnobbing with other members of our planet's glamorous jet setting elite just doesn't cut it.

See where I'm going with this?

Sometimes I guess it's better to get completely zooted and jump from one's 9th floor apartment straight down to a nice patch of Big Apple pavement?

White chicks, man. Go figure.

Blogger's Note: Construction netting was found covering the windows of Korshunova's apartment -- leaving open the possibility of an accidental fall. Being the safety-conscious genius that I am, this is a totally foreign concept to me. As such, I will continue to report that Ruslana found herself too sexy for the elevator and believed the coke when it told her she could fly.

Lions & Tigers & White People, Oh My! - WWWWP

We’ve all been to theme parks and been either annoyed, or utterly terrified by the costumed park mascots wandering around. Personally, there’s just something about a 6 foot tall Bugs Bunny walking my way that makes me want to shit myself, sue Six Flags, and then run for my life.

But White people live by an entirely different code. If most of the rest of the non-White world finds it strange and terrifying, White people are about 6 times as likely to embrace it and adopt it as recreation.



These people call themselves “furries” and they are about as high on The Fruit Ball Scale as one can be without being a sex offender. They spend as much time as possible in their fursuits, living the life of their favorite character -- they’ve even given their hobby fetish a name: “Furry fandom”.

This is some strange shit, man – no two ways about it.

81 N*ggas In 7 Minutes Or Less - WWWBP/IHHH

This is why I hate hip hop.



"Rapper" Tyga has set a new world record for dropping N-bombs.

In a recent homemade video dispelling rumors regarding being the victim in a chain-snatching incident, Tyga used the word "N*gga" over 81 times in 6 minutes, 17 seconds.

Yes, I counted.

Tyga, the latest member of Dwayne "The Gremlin" Carter's Young Money Records label, enjoys jewelry, trips to the tattoo parlor, and uttering words that will undoubtedly wake The Sharpton.

Could someone please get this little n*gga a role model?

Paris. You're a Gozillionaire. Buy Some Tits -BP

Paris. I hate you for many reasons.

I hate you because I have no idea why you're famous.

I hate you because, when you went to jail, you monopolized CNN coverage for 40 days.

I hate you because your sex tape puts me to sleep.

But, MOST OF ALL.

I hate you because you have more money than the U.S territory of Puerto Rico, but still you have no juggs.

No self-respecting hotel chain heiress should walk around sporting less than a D cup.

I don't make this stuff up. If you don't believe me, check the manual.

Double-U. Tee. Eff. - WWWWP

Could someone please explain to me what in the ...?

Even by professional wrestling standards, The Ultimate Warrior was nucking futs.

We, the human race (in this case, you White people), need to take a long look at ourselves (yourselves). We (you) need to decide if this is the legacy that should be left for future generations of Earthlings.

It's common knowledge that all White people are members of a not-so-secret society that controls everything. I know that one of you reading this will be socially responsible enough to make a call to one of your friends at White People's Secret Society Central Command and have all traces of The Ultimate Warrior stricken from the human record.

It's the right thing to do.

Who's Faaaaat? Ruuuun's Faaaat - NAGL

After a month at sea, where he gorged himself on plankton, krill, and giant squid, Reverend Run emerged from the ocean looking every ounce of the 938 lb. sea monster he's become.

When asked if he'd consider playing the whale in an upcoming adaptation of the biblical tale of Jonah and the Whale, The Reverend simply screeched and returned to sea.

Yes Dubya, Even White People Are Annoyed With You - FB

Ever want to know what people really think about you? Just have someone tell you what face they make when your back is turned to them.

As a self-proclaimed expert in reading White people's facial expressions, I have prepared the following analysis:

The blonde on the left appears to be thinking, "Whatever you're saying right now will never be mistaken for anything even approaching the truth. You're an idiot. Your father is an idiot. Your mom has a big silver afro and has since I was in 2nd grade. God, you have a big-ass head."

While the brunette is obviously thinking, "You're so gay. Every time I hear you say the word 'new-cue-lar', I want to smack the ever-loving monkeyfritz out of you and slam your balls in a car door. Jesus, you have a big-ass head (tee hee)."

The Haterade Gorilla's Name Is God & He's Been Arrested - WWWBP

God Lucky Howard (that's his name and I promise I couldn't make this shit up) was arrested after he dealt a little yayo to undercover po-po in his hood. He's currently being held on an $86,500 bond.

For those of you who are thinking that this dude is what the gorilla mascot for my blog would look like if the Haterade soaked through his white "Tall Tee", I'm right there with you.

Another neerdowell is off the mean streets. Thank God -- not this God, but the real God that I don't believe exists.

Big Up - Agnostics

BLOGGER'S NOTE TO BLACK PEOPLE: As White people already think that you people are crazy for some of the names you choose for your children, I would strongly urge you to avoid the name "God" for your future children. Please stick to other ridiculous, non-blasphemous names that don't fly in the face of right-wing Christian sensibilities i.e. Demetrius, Shaquan, or Bookie.

Amy Crackhouse Enters London Bodega Alone - Emerges W/ John Daniels & Friends - NAGL/BP/WWWWP (hebrew edition)

So, let me get this straight, Crackhouse. After passing out at Freebase Manor, being hospitalized, diagnosed with early signs of what's probably emphysema, and visiting your pusher husband in prison, you thought you'd end the week by hitting the corner store for snacks and little airplane bottles of hooch?

I guess in light of all the above, the fact that you're sporting the "Gary Oldman as Dracula" coiffure shouldn't even faze me, but... yeah.

This is a Shinkansen wreck on more levels than I would have thought humanly possible.

Pimp My Pontiff- WWWWP

Seeking ways to expose more urban Blacks to Catholicism, The Holy Father has acquired a custom made red pimp hat and drafted a Papal bull declaring himself: Pope Benny "The Magic" Dict XVI.

Vatican officials would not confirm reported rumors of phone calls placed by The Pontiff to "Jeweler to the Stars" Jacob "The Jeweler" Arabov regarding the possibility of commissioning a ruby-encrusted Pope Pimp Cup before Arabov surrenders himself to authorities to begin a 2.5 year money laundering sentence.

In a recent intertview, Pope Benny continued to emphasize that he's "Globally respected, internationally known, and locally accepted."

He then added "And all you b*tches better have my bread!"

Pole Tricks On The Pin At 18 - DJD/WWWWP

Because she's a no good whore, that's why, Billy.

The tee time coordinator at Eagle Trace Golf Course in Bloomington, CO hit a hole in one this time. Due to a scheduling mix up, the young participants of a Gold Crown Junior Golf Association tournament shared the greens and fairways with some 70 whores exotic entertainers playing in Shotgun Willie's Charity Golf Classic.



WHORE!!!

I mean, FORE!!!!

Big Up - Bad Kitty Kat

BLOGGER'S NOTE: For those who would find me racist for tagging this post WWWWP, please note that, due to season-ending knee surgery, the only Negro golfer on the planet, Eldrick "Tiger" Woods was not present for either of the aforementioned golf tournaments. As such, the WWWWP tag is completely appropriate.

It's Been 14 Years & 14 Days. Have You Found The Real Killer Yet? - WWWBP

IF? IF you did it? Really? Wow.

Orenthal James, Orenthal James. You had it all. Fame. Fortune. Bombshell Aryan wife on your arm, with features so Nordic, she all but guaranteed you an invite to all of Hef's little soirees at The Mansion. In short, you were granted a level of access and privilege which had not been seen by a Negro since the days of Sammy with The Rat Pack. The only difference was that Sammy had 1960's segregated Vegas to keep his little tap dancing zapatos rooted firmly in racial reality. He knew that without Old Blue Eyes to cosign for him, he would have been relegated to the colored water fountain and the back of the bus. Do you think that if Sammy hadn't paved the way that you'd ever have had the opportunity to screw things up so badly? Hell to the no, but I digress.

The point is, you had it all, ORENTHAL, but you threw it all away -- sort of. I mean, you did get away with double murder (big up Kim Kardashian's dad). And, you did manage to bury just about all of your dough to keep it out of that screecher Fred Goldman's grubby little mitts (NICE!) -- he probably would have blown it all on mustache pomade anywho.

But now you've ruined it for all the other coloreds.

Picture yourself a car thief. Picture White trust as a Volvo. White people walked out onto their driveway one morning, found their Volvo had been stolen by you, activated the Lo-jack, and had it immediately recovered by five-o (big up Mark Fuhrman).

Instead of doing for others what Sammy Davis-damn-Jr. did for you, you nearly decapitated your ex-trophy wife and a waiter. AND to make matters worse, you retained the slickest defense team of shysters in the land -- led by the slipperiest, pimp suit wearing soul brother to ever pass a Bar exam: Johnny Cochran!

This was indeed a devastating one-two combination to White trust. Not only did their favorite football runnin', airport seat hurdlin', lovable goof ball from the Naked Gun movies turn out to be a cave b*tch slayer, but to add insult to injury, he was successfully defended by a smooth-talking, bespectacled darky who employed The Chewbacca Defense. It was one thing to destroy White faith in their non-threatening Negro entertainers, but to take away their faith in the American justice system as well? It was all too much.

Since then, White people have done everything "Whitely" possible to erase the pain. They banished you from Los Angeles. They bought your old estate in Brentwood and bulldozed it. They even found you guilty of wrongful death in civil court. But their pain still lingers, Orenthal.

The prophet, The Honorable Dave Chappelle as Rick James tells us: "They shoulda' neva' gave you n*ggas money!" You have easily proved that point beyond a reasonable doubt. If only Marcia Clark and the homie Christopher Darden had been so adept.

Russell, Please Raise Your Bottle of Haterade. Let's Toast! - YPY

So. The divorce is final. Was it worth it?

Cinque has escaped The Amistad and he's tapping your ex.

You've been court-ordered to pay $20,000 PER month, PER child to that irritating label-whore ninja.

Phat Farm is the 13th hottest selling clothing brand at Wal-Mart

All you can think of is how well Cinque is giving it to Kimora... and how many goats she can buy him every month with 40,000 of your dollars.

Yes, Russell. Raise your bottle. Here's to divorce!

Haterade. Is it In you?

Oh My Sweet Bilbo Baggins In Mexico, Mini-Me Is F*cking?! - DJD

I hate it when genetic freaks think it's OK to use today's readily accessible digital video technology to capture their abominable antics.

Upon seeing the video snippet, my first reaction was laughter - nervous shocked laughter. That was followed soon after by a very somber silence.

After 8 months of recovering from 2 Girls, 1 cup, I find myself in a very dark place again.

This has taken a part of me and destroyed it.

Mini Rain Man Keeps Flight On Tar(d)mac - CYT

In this über sensitive post 9/11 era, this is what can happen when your tard displays pre-flight unruliness.

I can see this from both sides.

On the one hand, you have the patient parent of a toddler who can calculate the square root of 2859379579275 in less than a second (even though he screams and drools a lot). On the other hand, you have an airline that is still reeling from the whole Mohamed Atta thing - and has less than zero tolerance for even a shred of fuckery.

Tough call. What do you geniuses think?

Parkour. Don't Let This Fall Into The Hands of Kids In The Ghetto. The Cops Will Never Catch Them - WWWWP

This is what happens when young, gymnastically-inclined Euro urbanites get bored. They run out into the street and begin a regimen of flipping from building to building.

To say that I am not reverent of their athletic prowess to a certain extent would be a lie, but this does nothing to negate the fact that those who engage in this "sport" are still obviously and utterly BATSHIT.

Diddy & The Gremlin Wax Philosophical To Wannabes - IHHH/WWWBP

When The Mogul and The Gremlin speak, who's listening?

Not me.

Personally, I'm still waiting for a Diddy Blog on how he shot up that club back in '99, smuggled the gun out between J-Lo's ample butt cheeks, and then got Shine to take the rap for the whole unfortunate incident.

Big Up - Jamal Barrow

Shaq: Take Heat, Sun! - WWWWP

Maricopa County Sherrif's Deputy Shaquille O'Neal's recent impromptu anti-Kobe freestyle has him in hot water up to like... I dunno... his toe knuckles. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio actually called for O'neal to surrender his badge after learning that The Diesel likes to toss N-bombs like a mofo when he rocks the mic.

And now to put this all into perspective, I'd like to introduce: Me.

"Sheriff" Arpaio, aren't you the same fruitbag who makes the inmates of the Maricopa County jail sport pink underwear? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm the last person you'll hear complaining about convicted degenerates doing hard time... but pink underwear?
TRG

Am I supposed to take you seriously? Is one of the most dominant players in NBA history supposed to lose a nanosecond of his ogre-ish slumber because you're offended by his rhymes?

Diesel, you do you, Son! Even if Sheriff Fruity Balls says you're not qualified to send criminals to his pink panty penal palace, you're still more than qualified to "Throw it down, Big Man. Throw it doooooooooown!"

Homosexuals & Mayonnaise Don't Mix - TRG

To mention the words "gay" and "mayonnaise" in the same breath leaves the door wide open for jerks like me. To actually take the time to produce a commercial in which 2 hard legs share a quick early morning smooch over a jar of mayo is something else entirely.

Heinz pulled the spot (which had only aired in the UK) immediately after viewers sounded the "WTF were you monkeys thinking?" alarm.

Amy Crackhouse Disses Every Race (except the Amazonian Waimiri-Atroari tribe) - WWWWP(hebrew edition)

What? Don't tell me all of you White people didn't sing along with gleeful exuberance.

Dude. Look at all of that drug paraphernalia. And here I was thinking that the time she pulled the yayo out of her hair bun in the middle of a performance was an isolated incident. I'm so naive.

Big Up - Frank Lucas, Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston, The sovereign nations of Afghanistan and Colombia

Yo Jacob, TAKE DAT! TAKE DAT! TAKE DAT! (hopefully not in the cornhole) - IHHH

Rappers. Get your bling before Jacob "The Jeweler" goes to the bing. He'll be a guest of the government for the next 2.5 years, or so.

This is what happens when evil drug lords strong arm a law-abiding Bukharanian (where in the Carmen San Diego hell is Bukharan?) into laundering the contents of their Nike boxes to the tune of $270,000,000. That's 270 million for my tard readers.

This is also what happens when you rappers, read: Psuedo Drug Lords, portray an image that actual drug lords, read: Actual Drug Lords, aspire to... and then I'll be damned if life doesn't start to imitate art in a vicious cycle.

Big Up - Timex, HSN Jewelry

Soulja Boy Is No Eli - CYT/IHHH

This blog will forever be read through tears of my own hysterical laughter.

I hate what hip hop has become. I hate that "rapper" Soulja Boy Tellem, read: Step N' Fetchit Coon #1, is engaged in a war of words (for now) with "rapper" Ice-T, read: Ancient Oreo Pimp From The Triassic Period/TV Cop, over who ruined hip hop, read: Complete and Utter N*ggerness.

But these buffoons will not steal the shine from the star of this post: ELI!

You know it's going to be a Tard Fest when even the "host" of the rap battle is not only off-balance mentally, this coon-tard is literally OFF BALANCE! It just gets better from there.

After Eli (navy polo shirt) sizes up his opponent, Envy; Eli rips it.

His eyes are rolling into the back of his skull... he's doing some of that stuff with his hands that tards seem to do pretty often... he's IN THE ZONE, yo!

And then he STOPS!!!!

And then that blank Tard Stare and SILENCE!!!!

My head is on my desk and I'm doubled over and shaking with laughter!

Watch for yourself to see which tard reigns supreme in the most epic mic battle since Em roasted Papa Doc. These tards are bringing back the "real hip hop"!

BREAKING NEWS! WNBA DUNK!!!!!! - BP!

I hate the WNBA. There. I said it.

The only thing worse than watching a bunch of "women" who'd rather munch the cookie than eat my pickle, while they run around in too-colorful, too-baggy uniforms; competing in a form of entirely un-dynamic albeit very fundamentally sound roundball, is when a dunk that your average 10th grade J.V. boy with a little height pulls out of his ass - becomes NEWS!!!!!!

Big Up - Manute Bol

I Hate You Kobe. Guess What? The Diesel Sees The B*tch In You, Too! - WWWBP

It's a well established fact that Blacks have a long history of self-hatred that manifests itself in the ill-treatment of other blacks. Blame it on hundreds of years of degradation of the Black man at the hands of the White slave master... I should probably stop before I start to channel Kunta Kinte.

Reboot.

Remember a few years back when Kobe got in trouble for anally raping that slut pure White maiden in Eagle, Colorado -- but instead of taking the hit like a man, he violated Man Law #1 and dimed on The Diesel?

Companies rushed to cancel endorsement contracts in the wake of that debacle, and the list of Kobe-haters was longer than ever. It included such heavyweights as (in no particular order):

1. Me
2. Nike
3. McDonalds

I mean, even Nutella dropped him like he was hot.

I'm sure the press releases had all the rhetoric of Kobe's conduct "not reflecting the wholesome images of their brands" etc. But we all know that the boards of directors met and found him whiny and bitch-made in general.

Peep the lyrical Shaq Attack. "Everybody! Kobe! Tell me how my ass taste!"

Bloggers Note: The Diesel came very close to earning the Control Your Tard heading for his "Lumbering Special Ed Kid" rhymes.

Big Up - Cam'ron & the STOP SNITCHING MOVEMENT, The Tossed Salad Man

Imus(ta Forgotten About The Whole Nappy Headed Ho's Thing) - WWWWP

I hate you Don Imus. But probably not for the reasons you think. I don't hate you because you look like an evil über villian capable of unleashing cold death via catastrophic winter precipitation. I don't even hate you for your assessment of the Rutger's women's basketball team's hair texture and level of sexual promiscuity -- no matter how accurate misguided.

No, Donald. I hate you because you've awakened The Sharpton.

Everyone knows that if we just go on with our lives and act as if racism is obsolete, The Sharpton will busy himself with chicken grease baths, sherm-perm touch ups, and pitching his new BET reality pilot: Black Survivor: Bensonhurst.

Far be it from my often offensive self to take offense to your offensiveness. I mean, one of those amendments gives you the right speak your mind. It's just too bad that our founding fathers didn't include a line or two extolling the virtues of shutting the absolute fuck up lest we rile up opportunistic civil rights dinosaurs.

Just promise me if Jesse gets into this thing that you'll do us all a favor and jump off your refrigerator head first.

big up - Rutger's women's b-ball, Tawana Brawley, Dark & Lovely No-Lye Relaxer

Adolf Hitler - WWWWP (bonus)

I'm a little late for D-Day, but whatev. I needed to speak on one of the nuttiest White guys EVAR!

Who would've guessed that the son of a bastard father and his half-niece wife would go on to leave humanity with a case of Dirty Mouth that no amount of Orbit gum is going to clean up? Actually, being the son of a bastard father and his half-niece wife is probably
a big ole red flag for potential fucked-upness, but I digress.

There are many theories as to why Das Führer chose to go completely ape-shit medieval on the kosher kids -- not that any of the theories matter much. I mean, once you get so far out there as to give the order to fire up the ovens and incinerate a few million innocent people, the "why's" become a tad bit trivial. And even being the card-carrying postmodernistic agnostic I am (who doesn't believe in heaven, hell, absolute good, or absolute evil), it's hard for me to just go with my simple default write-off of someone suffering from a JAMES BOND MOVIE-ESQUE LEVEL OF DIABOLICAL, VILLAINOUS, MEGALOMANIACAL PSYCHOSIS, cuz this douche was definitely waaaay next level.

In the end, even though Herr Fruitbag did sort of bless the human race with the Volkswagen,
he's nevertheless probably enjoying an eternity in hell (if hell exists)... sucking on a molotov cocktail... wearing gasoline-soaked Fruit of the Loom briefs... pitching that Mein Kampf screenplay like no other.

Big Up - Jesse Owens, Anne Frank, & Oskar Schindler