I Can't Read & I Gots To Pee - WWWBP:

Dear Moms and Dads,

Meet R&B singer and (acquitted) pedophile, Robert "Arruh" Kelly.

He's functionally illiterate and will marry your 14 year old daughter or, at the very least, pee all over her if given the chance.

That's all.

Love,
Jason

2 Aggressive Animals Blacks Have Typically Overlooked When Choosing A Pet. - WWWBP

Those familiar with Black culture know that no weekend outdoor festival enjoyed predominantly by Black folk would be complete without lots of albino boa constrictors and pit bulls. I have never quite been able to figure out the connection Negroes seem to have with these animals, but as soon as I do, rest assured that an essay will follow.

In this ever-changing world, however, I think we must all be open to change. Moreover, we owe it to ourselves to constantly re-evaluate what is conventional and, when prudent, rewrite the books in the name of progression and advancement.

It is in this spirit that I propose the following:


Black people should strongly consider replacing albino reptiles and pit bulls with broncos and actual bulls as The Official Pets of Black People.

I mean, think about it. Can you think of any other 2 species that have more in common with black people?

No gorilla jokes, please.

Both are strong, powerful, and potentially quite ill-tempered. Both were also indispensable as beasts of burden during the construction of this great nation. And, like Negroes, no other creatures on Earth have tried harder to throw White people off their backs.

It's perfect.

And yes, the Genius Switch is welded in the "ON" position.

81 N*ggas In 7 Minutes Or Less - WWWBP/IHHH

This is why I hate hip hop.



"Rapper" Tyga has set a new world record for dropping N-bombs.

In a recent homemade video dispelling rumors regarding being the victim in a chain-snatching incident, Tyga used the word "N*gga" over 81 times in 6 minutes, 17 seconds.

Yes, I counted.

Tyga, the latest member of Dwayne "The Gremlin" Carter's Young Money Records label, enjoys jewelry, trips to the tattoo parlor, and uttering words that will undoubtedly wake The Sharpton.

Could someone please get this little n*gga a role model?

The Haterade Gorilla's Name Is God & He's Been Arrested - WWWBP

God Lucky Howard (that's his name and I promise I couldn't make this shit up) was arrested after he dealt a little yayo to undercover po-po in his hood. He's currently being held on an $86,500 bond.

For those of you who are thinking that this dude is what the gorilla mascot for my blog would look like if the Haterade soaked through his white "Tall Tee", I'm right there with you.

Another neerdowell is off the mean streets. Thank God -- not this God, but the real God that I don't believe exists.

Big Up - Agnostics

BLOGGER'S NOTE TO BLACK PEOPLE: As White people already think that you people are crazy for some of the names you choose for your children, I would strongly urge you to avoid the name "God" for your future children. Please stick to other ridiculous, non-blasphemous names that don't fly in the face of right-wing Christian sensibilities i.e. Demetrius, Shaquan, or Bookie.

It's Been 14 Years & 14 Days. Have You Found The Real Killer Yet? - WWWBP

IF? IF you did it? Really? Wow.

Orenthal James, Orenthal James. You had it all. Fame. Fortune. Bombshell Aryan wife on your arm, with features so Nordic, she all but guaranteed you an invite to all of Hef's little soirees at The Mansion. In short, you were granted a level of access and privilege which had not been seen by a Negro since the days of Sammy with The Rat Pack. The only difference was that Sammy had 1960's segregated Vegas to keep his little tap dancing zapatos rooted firmly in racial reality. He knew that without Old Blue Eyes to cosign for him, he would have been relegated to the colored water fountain and the back of the bus. Do you think that if Sammy hadn't paved the way that you'd ever have had the opportunity to screw things up so badly? Hell to the no, but I digress.

The point is, you had it all, ORENTHAL, but you threw it all away -- sort of. I mean, you did get away with double murder (big up Kim Kardashian's dad). And, you did manage to bury just about all of your dough to keep it out of that screecher Fred Goldman's grubby little mitts (NICE!) -- he probably would have blown it all on mustache pomade anywho.

But now you've ruined it for all the other coloreds.

Picture yourself a car thief. Picture White trust as a Volvo. White people walked out onto their driveway one morning, found their Volvo had been stolen by you, activated the Lo-jack, and had it immediately recovered by five-o (big up Mark Fuhrman).

Instead of doing for others what Sammy Davis-damn-Jr. did for you, you nearly decapitated your ex-trophy wife and a waiter. AND to make matters worse, you retained the slickest defense team of shysters in the land -- led by the slipperiest, pimp suit wearing soul brother to ever pass a Bar exam: Johnny Cochran!

This was indeed a devastating one-two combination to White trust. Not only did their favorite football runnin', airport seat hurdlin', lovable goof ball from the Naked Gun movies turn out to be a cave b*tch slayer, but to add insult to injury, he was successfully defended by a smooth-talking, bespectacled darky who employed The Chewbacca Defense. It was one thing to destroy White faith in their non-threatening Negro entertainers, but to take away their faith in the American justice system as well? It was all too much.

Since then, White people have done everything "Whitely" possible to erase the pain. They banished you from Los Angeles. They bought your old estate in Brentwood and bulldozed it. They even found you guilty of wrongful death in civil court. But their pain still lingers, Orenthal.

The prophet, The Honorable Dave Chappelle as Rick James tells us: "They shoulda' neva' gave you n*ggas money!" You have easily proved that point beyond a reasonable doubt. If only Marcia Clark and the homie Christopher Darden had been so adept.

Diddy & The Gremlin Wax Philosophical To Wannabes - IHHH/WWWBP

When The Mogul and The Gremlin speak, who's listening?

Not me.

Personally, I'm still waiting for a Diddy Blog on how he shot up that club back in '99, smuggled the gun out between J-Lo's ample butt cheeks, and then got Shine to take the rap for the whole unfortunate incident.

Big Up - Jamal Barrow

I Hate You Kobe. Guess What? The Diesel Sees The B*tch In You, Too! - WWWBP

It's a well established fact that Blacks have a long history of self-hatred that manifests itself in the ill-treatment of other blacks. Blame it on hundreds of years of degradation of the Black man at the hands of the White slave master... I should probably stop before I start to channel Kunta Kinte.

Reboot.

Remember a few years back when Kobe got in trouble for anally raping that slut pure White maiden in Eagle, Colorado -- but instead of taking the hit like a man, he violated Man Law #1 and dimed on The Diesel?

Companies rushed to cancel endorsement contracts in the wake of that debacle, and the list of Kobe-haters was longer than ever. It included such heavyweights as (in no particular order):

1. Me
2. Nike
3. McDonalds

I mean, even Nutella dropped him like he was hot.

I'm sure the press releases had all the rhetoric of Kobe's conduct "not reflecting the wholesome images of their brands" etc. But we all know that the boards of directors met and found him whiny and bitch-made in general.

Peep the lyrical Shaq Attack. "Everybody! Kobe! Tell me how my ass taste!"

Bloggers Note: The Diesel came very close to earning the Control Your Tard heading for his "Lumbering Special Ed Kid" rhymes.

Big Up - Cam'ron & the STOP SNITCHING MOVEMENT, The Tossed Salad Man